


In My Dreams I Walk Away

by idrilhadhafang



Series: In My Dreams Verse [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Discussion Of Emotional and Sexual Abuse, Drinking, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fix-It, Fusion of Star Wars Legends and Disney Canon, Grief/Mourning, Han Solo Lives, Kylo Ren Redemption, Luke Skywalker Redemption, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Skywalker Family Drama, Skywalker Family Feels, Slightly Dark Luke, Slow Burn Darkpilot, Suicidal Ideation, Survivor Guilt, Underage Drinking, What Does It Mean To Be Redeemed?, both past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:07:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25057429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: One choice on Starkiller Base, a lifetime of difference.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Series: In My Dreams Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826089
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11
Collections: The Darkpilot Library





	1. Walking Away

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The Falcon landed on D’Qar, and Kylo stepped out, realizing that D’Qar was busier and warmer than it had any right to be. He watched as Poe appeared in the crowd, running towards him...only to falter. 

Poe knew who he was. The lightsaber. The clothes. He was no fool. Now he was coming to terms with the fact that the same man he’d grown up with had tortured him.

For a moment, Kylo could see flashes in Poe’s mind. Being forced to relive his worst memories. His mother’s funeral. The fight with his father. Ben Solo, pulling away and running away from him again and again.

And Kylo went rigid. Rigid as he realized that Poe had been searching for him, loving him...and Kylo had hurt him. 

”Poe...” he murmured softly. Was that how he looked to so many prisoners? To do many people?

It was his turn to watch as Poe pulled away. Vanished into the crowd. Like the dreams where he was searching for Poe — only for Poe to pull away.

***

”Ben?” Han’s voice. “What happened? Did he...”

FN-2187 would tell him. The scavenger would tell him. The best that Kylo could do was beat them both to it. “What do you _think_ happens in First Order custody?”

Comprehension. Comprehension on Han Solo’s face that was far too clear, too lucid. “You...tortured him?”

"Snoke made me.” It sounded like such a weak defense. "Said he would kill Poe himself if...” 

The scavenger and FN-2187 were listening in curiously. Taking the information in. 

”Stang, kid, I...I don’t know what to say.” Han finally said. 

”I saw it,” said the scavenger. “In his head.”

She didn’t taunt him about not being as strong as Grandfather, and Kylo was at least grateful for that. 

***

Speaking with his mother was also painful. Kylo wasn’t going to deny it. How many years had it been? Six? Six years was a long time to be alone. How was he going to explain Skywalker? Any of it? 

”I did do monstrous things,” Kylo said. “Including what I did to Poe. To the scavenger. I am a monster.”

”No, Ben.” Leia’s voice was soft. “You did terrible things that you have to make right. No one's denying that. But you are not a monster.”

”Who am I, then?"

”You,” said Leia, “Are many things. Son, conqueror, hero, friend, villain. You’re separate roles and yet you are everything. Vader...took the coward’s way out. Refusing accountability for his choices. But you came back, Ben.”

Kylo nodded. “I did.” Then, “I nearly killed Dad. On the bridge. But...I couldn’t go through with it.”

”You did the right thing, Ben.”

Leia hugged him, and Kylo was overwhelmed by the warmth of her, the scent, the overall feeling like he was home. 

***

It was later that they held the funeral for the pilots that didn’t return from Starkiller Base. Kylo was glad that that monstrosity had been destroyed, truthfully. He had never liked it. He had never liked the idea of just destroying, annihilating planets. He could still remember the effect it had on his mother. The bright flash of green as a culture was destroyed in an instant. 

Poe didn’t seem to be able to look at him. Kylo supposed, in the end, it was fair. To be reformed, but have to be alone...but being alone didn’t bring back the dead. 

He had an idea. More than an idea. 

***

It was at his mother’s reluctant approval that he, the scavenger, FN-2187 and Poe took the Falcon to Ach-To, where Uncle Luke was. It wasn’t like Kylo had expected them to come with him, but the scavenger and Poe had come to keep an eye on Kylo, and FN-2187 had come along because the scavenger was there and he wanted to help. Kylo hadn’t expected to be sharing the Falcon with one old love and one complete stranger, but he supposed...

”You know,” the scavenger said, “I’m quite the accomplished pilot. You could let me do it.”

”This is my father’s ship,” Kylo said. “Do you often take what isn’t yours?”

The scavenger winced. Then, “It hasn’t been yours since you betrayed your family! I don’t even know why you did it; your parents gave a damn about you...”

”You think it was teenage rebellion? How simplistic,” Kylo said acidically. 

FN-2187 piped in before the likely lightsaber duel in the cockpit. “Can we get to Ach-To?”

”Finn has a point,” said the scavenger. 

"I would agree.” Kylo said. _Finn_. That was the most woefully uncreative name for a stormtrooper Kylo had ever heard. 

He could sense how. Poe...somehow, Poe had come up with it. Of course Poe would do this. Trusting a stormtrooper wholeheartedly, believing in them...

He had believed in Kylo, once upon a time. 

Kylo realized, as he headed to his old crew quarters, that he missed those days. 


	2. Luke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cue the Skywalker family drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_— Fire, so much fire, and with one order, Kylo had ordered a family murdered. With one order. He was getting used to killing. Too used to it —_

_— Snoke, shocking Kylo on the interrogation rack as Kylo tried not to beg. “Look at you,” Snoke sneered. “You think Dameron would want you if he saw you like this? If he knew what you’d done?” —_

Kylo woke in his quarters in a cold sweat in that moment, and he found his breathing coming in shallow bursts. He wasn’t with Snoke anymore. He was safe. He was all right. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. 

”Ben?” Poe said softly. 

Kylo rolled over in bed, uncomprehending of the simple fact that even though he had hurt Poe in one of the worst ways imaginable, Poe was still there. Poe was running for him. 

”Just a bad dream,” Kylo said. 

”Must have been one hell of a bad dream. I mean...you have been a schutta, but you don’t deserve this. No one does.”

Of course Poe would say that. Of course he’d care about everybody. 

”Thank you,” Kylo said. 

”No problem.” Then, “We’re coming up on Ach-To. You want to get some caf?”

”Caf would help.” Stars willing Kylo didn’t want to sleep anymore. 

***

Making their way up Ach-To was a struggle. Kylo wasn’t going to deny it. Making his way up, step by step, towards the top of the structure on Ach-To. Where his uncle was. Where his uncle abandoned the galaxy. 

The Force...there was something wrong with his uncle. Something off about him. It dawned on Kylo that he was all but deafened to the Force. Trapped on Ach-To for six years, alone in his own mind, cut off from his heritage. 

Kylo tried to think about how Luke had stood over him with a lightsaber. How he had been about to kill him —

It wasn’t working. Not this time. 

And that was before he even reached the top and saw his uncle. Hooded. Robed. He turned around, lowered his hood...and it dawned on Kylo that he looked terrible. Gray-haired, almost tramp-like, hollow-eyed. 

It felt like kicking a man while he was down, hating him. Even though Kylo wanted to. 

”Been some time,” Kylo said. 

Luke looked at him. Then, “Ben, I assure you, do your worst.”

Kriff. Kylo knew what his uncle meant. All too well. It didn’t take a telepath to know what Luke was talking about. 

Somehow, Luke _wanted_ to die. 

Sithspit, what had happened? It would have been something if Luke was just a smug, moralizing schutta, but this...

He stepped forward. The scavenger — he could feel her horror, about to stop him. Poe, confused, FN-2187, ready to defend his friends.   
  
Kylo threw his lightsaber. Watched as it soared in a perfect arc into Ach-To's ocean. Luke stared at him, clearly flabbergasted. “Ben...your weapon...surely it deserves more respect than that...”

”It’s not a Jedi’s weapon,” Kylo said. “I don’t know what will become of Ben Solo, but...I can’t be Kylo Ren anymore.”

”Then,” Luke said, “You are a better man than me.”

”Mom’s waiting for you.” Kylo said. 

FN-2187 handed Luke his saber. Luke looked over it wryly. “Did you bring the hand with it too?” he said. 

”No,” FN-2187 said, sounding disgusted at the thought. 

Kylo sighed. “Welcome back, Luke Skywalker.”

***

The ride back in the Falcon was an uneasy one. Kylo kept it private; he didn’t want to make a scene. “What was so terrible about me that you didn’t want to redeem me?” he said. “What made me different from Grandfather?”

Luke sighed. “I didn’t want to kill you, Ben. When I was in your hut — ”

” — which was rude, by the way — ”

“It felt like a compulsion,” Luke snapped. “Like...like I was in a trance. Compelled to be there.” He sighed. “And I wasn’t strong enough to resist. Wasn’t strong enough to fight back...”

Now that Ben thought about it, there had been something about his uncle’s eyes, something that didn’t seem...himself. Like he was being controlled, a puppet being directed to do what it would by its master...

Snoke’s voice. Taunting him about how if Skywalker was by his side, the galaxy would be his. 

A voice, echoing between uncle and nephew. _Kill him, Skywalker._

“If I didn’t hate Snoke before...he always thrives,” Kylo said bitterly, “While I...while we lose everything.”

”I could have fought...”

”You did,” Kylo said. “You beat him. And he just destroyed the Academy because he had a temper tantrum.”

”Snoke did that?!”

”Something did.” Then, “Uncle...you beat him. You could have given him what he wanted, but you didn’t. You resisted. I don’t like what you nearly did, but...you’re stronger than him. You always have been.”

A nod from Luke. “I shouldn’t have left. What I’m interested in is how you left. Why you left.”

Kylo told him. About what Snoke had done to him, what he’d made Kylo do (like torture Poe). It wasn’t seeking absolution. It was, instead, seeking redemption. Helping Luke understand. 

Luke nodded. Kylo could swear he saw Luke’s fists tighten in his lap. Then, “He is a monstrous beast, Ben. I would normally show him mercy, but he went too far. What he did to you, Han, Leia, me, Poe, everyone. What he’s done to the galaxy. I doubt there’s anything we can do except end the suffering he’s caused.”

”You got angry on the island.”

Luke snorted. “Did you know I nearly killed your grandfather when he threatened your mother? If Palpatine hadn’t been twirling his metaphorical mustache, I would have murdered Vader where he was.” A beat. “The Dark Side’s present in all of us. It doesn’t mean we can’t come back from it.”

”Yeah.” Kylo sighed. “I know that now."

"You should rest. We have a while before we get back to the Resistance.”

Kylo left. It was on the way back to his quarters that he bumped into Poe. 

Quite literally. 

”Snoke made you torture me?” Poe said. 

”You were eavesdropping?”

”I think,” Poe said wryly, “You need to rethink your priorities.” More seriously, “I don’t know how to feel about that. I really don’t. I mean...” He sighed. “I’m not happy with you, but...I’m sorry Snoke hurt you.”

”He has a tendency,” Kylo said acidically, “To thrive while I lose everything.” _Including those I love._

"You haven’t lost me.”

Kylo smiled. “Not anymore.”

”I believe in you, Ben. I always have.”

”I should have known.”

And there was something about heading to his quarters where Poe’s words left a warmth in his heart even the Light couldn’t offer.


	3. Temporary Victor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo starts to earn the Resistance’s respect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was coming out of hyperspace that Kylo swore. “We’re gone for a while and Snoke — ”

“He must have tracked us from Takodana,” said the scavenger. “Not your fault. This time. I thought...”

”No time to worry about how,” Luke said. “Best we can do is stop them.”

Ahead of them was chaos. A Dreadnaught, looming over D’Qar. Firing again and again. Kylo reached out with the Force, searching, searching — but his mother was on one of the evacuation ships. A woman, Jessika Pava, taking Hux on personally. 

Good for her, Kylo thought. If there was something Hux needed to be reminded of, it was the fact he wasn’t the biggest rancor in the pit. 

And then a familiar presence. Cold, deathly cold. Like Hoth probably would have been for both Kylo’s parents. Luke looked steely, meanwhile. His face set with cold, like he was dispensing justice. 

”Ben...you can go to the turrets. Do the honors,” Luke said. “Take him down like the animal he is.”

Kylo was struck by the look in Luke’s eyes. That cold, distant look. Like he wasn’t himself. 

”Uncle,” he said. “It’s not the Jedi way.”

”Forget about what is and isn’t the Jedi way,” Luke said. “He nearly destroyed you. He needs to pay for it.”

Kylo took a deep breath. “I won’t let you fall to the Dark Side like he wanted you to.”

”Then do it before he hurts anyone else.” Luke said. 

Kylo nodded. 

The scavenger was an adequate pilot, Kylo would say that. Kylo found they made a great team, him shooting down pilots (and there was a moment where he felt a pang of regret, feeling them wink out like that), her keeping the ship steady. Kylo fired. Poe kept the shields up. Rey piloted. And then Luke said, “You, um...”

”Rey,” said the scavenger, annoyed. 

“Pilot the Falcon directly at Snoke’s ship.”

”Are you mad?!” Rey exclaimed. “He’ll slaughter us.”

”No, he won’t,” Poe said. “No one’s getting slaughtered on our watch.”

So they did. Kylo fired, again and again, at the Supremacy, at the ships surrounding it. He thought he could hear Snoke in his mind, saying that Kylo was basically nothing without him —

— the ship went down. Kylo thought he saw the first sign of an escape pod (Snoke’s) shooting out; of course Snoke wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to save his own skin like that.

Luke looked like his face was set in a grim line. “Fire on the escape pod, Ben.”

Kylo wavered. Could he? Was that what good guys did, firing on enemy escape pods? He shuddered to think about it. 

”Let him go,” Kylo said. “We don't kill fleeing opponents anyway. I think the Force will take care of him now.”

Luke frowned. “If you say so."

***

”That was some shooting,” Poe said to Kylo. Across from him, Rey and FN-2187 were talking animatedly in a way that reminded Kylo of better times, before it all went wrong. Maybe the scavenger and FN-2187 would find the happiness that Kylo had felt, long ago. 

”Thanks.” Kylo smiled faintly, taking Poe in as he realized he had been alone too long. Those eyes — Kylo had forgotten about how he missed those eyes, that smile. 

They pulled in to the Raddus, and it was Han who ran to greet them. “Ben!” he shouted. “That’s my boy — I knew you could do it...”

Ben could have sworn that he felt like Han was suffocating him for a brief moment, he was hugged so tightly. He buried his face in Han’s shoulder; how long had it been since he’d actually been hugged? He had no idea. 

Han withdrew, beaming. “Honestly, the First Order’s probably in shambles now.”

”There are some members still alive,” Kylo said. “I would have felt it if they died.”

”Yeah. Well...we’ll take care of them.” Han’s smile faltered as he looked over at Luke. “Took you long enough to come back, kid.”

”I know." 

”It wasn’t his fault, Dad,” Kylo said. “It was Snoke. He mind-controlled him — ”

All color seemed to have been drained from Han’s face. “He _what_?”

Kylo explained. He could swear that Han’s hands were balling into fists. 

”Don’t get angry with Uncle Luke,” Kylo said. 

”I’m not. Completely.” Han sighed. “What Snoke did...shooting him down was way too good for him.”

Luke nodded. 

”But I’m glad you’re back,” Han said. “And stang — you look like hell, Luke. That hobo aesthetic doesn’t suit you.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “I believe Ben’s namesake wants a word with you.”

”Well, you’re not that old fossil; you don’t need to steal his fashion sense too...”

Kylo smiled faintly. At least they seemed to be getting back to normal. 

***

The _Raddus_ was already celebrating the takedown of Supreme Leader Snoke, what with plenty of alcohol. Kylo looked around, wondering how he’d even begin to fit in to this strange new world. 

"Come on,” Poe said. He gave Kylo an encouraging smile. The others seemed to be a bit uneasy, only for Poe to say, “He’s the one who took down Snoke.”

”I had help,” Kylo said even as the room erupted into excitement. Was that what it was like, being accepted rather than hated?

”Don’t be modest,” Poe said. “You were the ones who fired the shots." Then, “A toast to the freedom of the galaxy?”

”Let’s go with that,” Kylo said. 

They raised their glasses, drank. Across from him, the scavenger looked a bit doubtful, but Han said, “No worries, kid; as long as you’re supervised, I say go ahead.”

”Drinking laws are bantha shit anyway,” Jessika Pava piped up. 

Han snorted. “One way to put it.”

The room was merry, full of laughing and joking, and Kylo looked around, wondering if that was what he had been missing out on all this time. A family. Belonging. 

Someone who would show him his place in all this. 


	4. Accountability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo recovers from last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for discussion of childhood abuse.

Kylo woke up to a raging headache, and Poe in the doorway, looking just as miserable. “What did I do last night?” Kylo said. 

”Drinking. And drunk stuff,” Poe said. 

“Ah, kriff,” Kylo said, “I didn’t have any...drunken encounters, did I?”

”No.” Poe actually sounded amused even as he said it. That was good, at least. That meant that Kylo hadn’t. Plus, his clothes were on. “You did entertain us with some Old Republic history, I’ll say that."

”Oh. Interesting...”

”I joined in.”

”How do you remember that?”

”Your dad filled me in. Also, I think your dad — ”

“Poe Kes Dameron,” Kylo groaned, “If you make even an allusion to my parents having sex, I will gouge out my own eyes with a spoon.”

Silence. 

And then Poe burst out laughing. Really laughing. 

”You’re Kylo Ren,” Poe said. “Were, at least. You shot down Snoke’s ship. And you're scared of the idea of your parents having sex?”

”I repeat, I’ll gouge out my own eyes with a spoon,” Kylo hissed. 

”You’re twenty-nine.”

Kylo shrugged. “You’re never too old to be embarrassed by your parents.”

”Touché,” Poe said. 

The realization that they had laughed together, honestly laughed, like old times...it opened an uncomfortable pit in Kylo’s stomach. How could Poe laugh with him after all he’d done? He’d tortured Poe. Nearly broken this beautiful, wonderful man. Nearly shattered his mind into a million tiny pieces. And he'd murdered a village. Given the order.

How could Poe accept him so easily?

”I’m going to get some breakfast,” he said. “Comfort food. Might help with my hangover.”

***

He could barely eat. He was still thinking about Poe, begging him to spare that village on Tuanul. The sound of his voice, almost tugging him out of his icy rage. Almost. He’d been thinking about that, in a way, when he had told his father that it was too late.

 _Monster_.   
  
A monster whose friends at the Academy were gone. Who started out as failing to save others, only to become a murderer. And Poe...accepted him. 

Of course Poe would accept him. Poe accepted just about everyone. Poe was the sort who had flowers springing up under his feet, while everywhere Kylo turned, he hurt someone. 

How did Poe stand to be in the same room with him?

 _Weak_. 

Kylo got up, stalked towards the medbay of the Raddus. Doctor Kalonia was onboard. At least, he could have treatment for his hangover. 

***

”You look like a drowned womp rat,” Kalonia said wryly. 

”Yeah, well, a night of drinking does that to you,” Kylo said. “You got any hangover remedies?”

Kalonia gave him the medicine. “Should take effect in an hour when you take it,” she said. 

”More than I deserve,” Kylo muttered. He put the pill in his mouth before washing it down with water. 

Kalonia said, “What is it? I mean, there’s worse things to do while drunk...”

”I hurt Poe. I hurt Rey. I killed people. I...there was a moment when I nearly killed my own father. There’s so many people who shouldn’t accept me, including...”

Kylo trailed off just then. 

Kalonia said, “Your mother knew. And she had faith in you. I still remember her holding out hope you’d come back. And you did.”

"Monsters don’t just come back.”

”Poe came back from being a spice runner. You helped him, among others. And you never gave him the same judgment you’re giving yourself.”

”Poe was groomed — ”

“Your mother said Snoke was watching you from a young age.”

”That doesn’t count,” Kylo said. “It’s not like he was trying to molest me — and he had a bad life too; he said his master abused him too — ”

”And?” Kalonia said. “Is it a guarantee that a survivor becomes an abuser? No one deserves to be abused, of course, but abuse isn’t like a contagious disease. You can’t ‘catch’ being an abuser.”

”No.” Kylo sighed. “But I was twenty-three when I fell and...oh Force.” He remembered hearing how Snoke had nearly gotten Luke to kill Ben. “He was controlling my life from the start. Turning me against my family, my friends, the man I love. He made me torture Poe. He gave me the technique to do it too. He...”

He had caused a lot of pain. Had he experienced pain too? Was it really that cut and dried, who was the victim and who was the perpetrator?

Kalonia looked grim. “If not groomed, you were emotionally abused,” she said. “Manipulating a child into illegal activity, regardless of Force alignment, is emotional abuse.”

”I think the Sith did that a lot,” Kylo said. “Maul...Snoke told me how he was taken from his family and made into a child soldier. By Palpatine. They put their apprentices through unimaginable agony. I...tried not to do that with my Knights.” A beat. “Is it possible they’re victims too? Can we rescue them?”

”It’s possible,” Kalonia said. “As for you...you do have things to make up for. But it’s more complex than you simply being weak or a monster. The best you can do is heal...and find ways, large and small, to make up for what you’ve done. It’s not mutually exclusive. Being accountable when you’ve hurt someone...that’s part of healing.”

 _Accountable_. That was one way of putting it.

”I have stuff to write down,” Kylo said. Even in the midst of his hangover, he also felt very, very excited. 

***

It was after they landed on Crait that Kylo spoke to his mother. “Mom...I know I sound like a teenager, asking for permission, but...I spoke with Kalonia. And I want to practice being accountable.”

”Is this your way of suggesting you need to go somewhere?” Leia said. 

Kylo sighed. “It’s on the list. First stop’s Dantooine...I might need a new lightsaber."

”What happened to your old one?”

”I threw it into the ocean on Ach-To.”

Leia burst out laughing. Force, but it was good to see. “Only you would do that, Ben,” she said, smiling. “Only you.”

”I’m a Skywalker. It’s in my blood to be dramatic.”

Leia snorted. “Yes, it is. But I am proud of you, Ben. You’ve experienced pain and you’ve caused it. But you’re working to heal and atone for what you’ve done. You’re so much more than your grandfather ever was.”

”I...suppose that’s good.”

”Your grandfather chose to die instead of facing the consequences of what he did. You came back and were willing to fix things. I’m so proud of you, Ben. Unbelievably so.”

Proud of him. All his life, that was all Kylo wanted to hear from his mother.

He hugged her. It dawned on him that he towered over the General of the Resistance, and he almost laughed. 

”I didn’t always do things right with you,” Leia said, “But having you back is the first thing that’s gone right for me since this all happened, and I’m...I wouldn’t say I’m lucky to have you. It’s more than that. There’s no such thing as luck, but there is the Force. When the Force sends you a blessing...you don’t need to ask why it’s sent.”

And that...Kylo could at least begin to face another day. Even after what had happened, his mother saw him as a blessing. 

His only regret was not realizing it sooner.

***

Han clapped him on the shoulder when Kylo let him know what he was doing, and what Leia had said. “ ‘Course you’re a blessing,” he said. “Does it need saying? I didn’t do things right with you either, but I’m damn lucky you’re my boy.”

Luke cut in. “And I’m lucky you’re my nephew.” A beat. “Need any company, Ben? I mean, you can’t build a lightsaber without the necessary parts. And you need a teacher. Someone who can correct the mistakes he made.”

”Don’t say that,” Kylo said. “The mistakes part, I mean.”

”I did make mistakes, Ben,” Luke said. “The truth is...I’m not a god. I was so focused on trying to honor Obi-Wan and Yoda, so worried about being ungrateful. So worried about being perfect. The truth is, Obi-Wan and Yoda weren’t perfect either. They were as fallible as you or me. And the Jedi Code...” A beat. “It was very much a product of its time, written by a fundamentally imperfect being. The Jedi were noble, but they weren’t perfect either.”

"Well, yes,” Kylo said.

Luke sighed. "I had time to search for answers on Ach-To. I am only a man...but I can do my best.” A beat. “Or follow one good piece of advice from Yoda and just do it.”

Kylo snorted. “That’s the spirit.”

***

”Need any company?” Poe said. “I mean, I’m not letting you go off on your own this time, Ben.”

Kylo nodded. “I assume FN-2187 — ”

“Finn,” Poe said. 

”Right. Finn.” A beat. “Who named him?”

”I did,” Poe said. 

Kylo smiled. “Poe Dameron. Of course you did that.”

How could Kylo say he loved Poe in so many words?

”But Finn and Rey...”

”We’re here,” Rey said. “I suppose we can...start to trust you.”

Finn nodded. “You can be cruel,” he said. “I’ve seen it. But you spared my life at Tuanul. An irredeemable monster wouldn’t do that.”

Kylo nodded.

They took a freighter that General Madine (of course Madine, Kylo thought, smiling) had pilfered. The Golden Hawk. It looked neutral enough. Kylo would miss the Falcon, but it would be too conspicuous to take to Dantooine. 

They boarded, Luke, Kylo, Poe, Finn and Rey. (Chewie stayed with Han and Leia) Poe turned to him. “Ready to pilot with me?” he said. 

”Oi,” Rey said. “Skilled pilot here too, y’know.”

Finn looked at her critically. “You caused a bit of property damage on Jakku.”

Rey scoffed. “I didn’t really have a copilot,” she said.

”You probably need a break from piloting anyway," Kylo said. 

Rey sighed. “I don’t hate it.”

”Still.”

”Okay,” Rey said, finally smiling. "But you’ll be sorry when you crash it.”

”My father was a pilot and my grandfather was a podracing prodigy,” Kylo said. “It’s safe to say I’m good at this.”

Rey shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

Finn followed her down to the main hold. Kylo thought he could catch Finn talking about "are they technically our two dads?”

Kylo smiled sadly. “Methinks Finn’s mistaken,” he said. Poe would never be his. No matter how much he wished it to be. Even atoning...you didn’t expect romance, sex or at least a kiss as a reward for trying to make up for what you did. Beings didn’t work that way.

Poe shrugged. “I think...he can think what he wants. To Dantooine?”

”Yeah.”

They lifted up from Crait and shot into hyperspace — towards Dantooine. 


	5. Dantooine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo talks about what happened at Luke’s academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Even stepping out onto Dantooine after they landed, Kylo took in the crisp, cool air, as well as the broad blue skies. Blue skies. He wondered if that had been what it was like in the Old Republic era, getting off the ship just to walk in the sun. Before Darth Malak’s attack. Before everything else. 

The place felt like it was already empty. Too calm, too sad. Like a memory. 

”It’s beautiful!” Rey exclaimed. “I never imagined there’d be so much green. And blue...”

Kylo felt a bizarre tug of affection towards her. It was odd that he would feel that way towards someone whose first meeting with him had been...unpleasant. After Poe, he had insisted on overseeing Rey’s interrogation if only for pragmatic reasons. Now that he thought about it, though, that had been cruel in its own way; rubbing her terrible memories in her face just to hurt her. Hopefully he could find a way to make it up to her as well. 

”It’s new for you,” he said. “You grew up in a desert.” A beat. “I think you and my grandfather would bond over that. Growing up in a desert."

Rey wrinkled her nose. “That’s ridiculous. Besides, how many desert planets are there out there?”

”A few, maybe,” Luke said. “Shall we get going? You should probably get crystals for your lightsabers too, Rey and Finn.”

”Wait,” Kylo said as they headed across the grassland, “What are you talking about?”

Rey looked a bit lost in that moment. Then, “To be honest, Kylo, I’d prefer to have nothing to do with the Force."

”Why?” Kylo had a feeling why, of course. He had felt it when he landed on Takodana — a girl with powers she had no idea what to do with, confused and alone and still reeling from her parents’ abandonment of her. Kylo had felt a bizarre sort of sympathy with her just then. It was something that he was all too familiar with.

”You felt it,” Rey said. “I saw...” She sighed. “Read between the lines. You read my mind. You know why I ran away.”

Kylo nodded. He swore that the sound of that five year old girl’s scream would echo in his memory. And even then, there was more. Like she had just locked it away. There was decency in her, there was no doubt about it, but there was also a streak of darkness in her that wove through her like a fine thread. There was something odd about her. That he knew. Her adeptness with the Force, her skills, that strange, sickening familiarity he felt on Takodana...

”The Force doesn’t have to be scary,” he said. “It...can be scary. But it can also be wonderful, expansive and beautiful. That’s a guarantee.”

”And the Dark Side?”

Kylo faltered. “The Dark Side can be restrictive in its own way. Betrayal, cruelty — there’s no room for gentleness in being a Sith Lord. It sounds unbelievable, but I was unhappy there. I wasn’t the Knight I was supposed to be.”

Rey looked at him, almost like she wanted to comfort him. “So you were like me,” she said. “Afraid to leave.”

"Yes. I didn’t belong in the Jedi. I didn’t belong in the Sith. Maybe I could be...something else. We all could."

"And the Temple?” Rey said. “Your father said you destroyed it.”

”I good as did. When Uncle Luke was mind-controlled into killing me, I ran. I don’t know what happened, but there was some sort of storm. It hit the Temple — and I failed to save anybody in there.” Kylo chuckled bitterly. “And I had to live with it. Not what I did, but what I didn’t do. In a way, my father was right.”

”Kylo, have you thought of telling your father?” Rey sounded unexpectedly gentle. 

”He’d be disappointed.”

”He won’t be,” Rey said. “I saw the way he confronted you on the bridge. It was blatantly obvious how much he loves you. He won’t blame you.”

”I hope.”

Poe walked up to him. “Kylo,” he said softly. “You could have just told me. You could have gone to me. I would have helped you.”

”I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I failed,” Kylo said.

Poe squeezed his shoulder. “It can be on our list. Going there. You deserve closure. Stang, you deserve better, actually. So much more than this.”

The touch of Poe’s hand was gentler and sweeter than it had any right to be. 

***

They stopped at the Jedi Academy first. It was Luke’s suggestion. “There’s something you need to see, Ben,” he said. “It may help.”

Even walking in, Kylo felt that same impression, that feeling like a memory. He turned to Luke. “Why are we here?” he said. 

”It wasn’t your fault that storm happened,” Luke said. “And there’s always a chance for renewal. Planets like Taris and Dantooine were destroyed during the Jedi Civil War, by Darth Malak. Taris was still rebuilt, and so was Dantooine. The Academy is proof enough of that.”

”Darth Traya killed the Jedi Masters there,” Kylo said. 

”And her student put the Jedi Order back together there. Like you, she watched a disaster she had no control over.” Luke sighed. “Alas, poor Arawn — there were many instances where she, like many the Order failed, deserved better.”

”Yeah.”

Kylo walked towards the tree that had been planted, the tree that had been there since the First Jedi Purge. The plaque that said IN MEMORY OF THE VICTIMS OF MALAK’S ATTACK, AND THOSE TOUCHED BY IT. He looked around, at the empty space that was the courtyard, something he could imagine was once filled with people. "How would we rebuild your order?” he said. 

Luke smiled. “We’re not the last of the Jedi,” he said. “Rather, we’re the first of the new, and we have everything we need.”

***

They searched the Enclave, collecting holocrons to use (“Much better than collecting texts,” Kylo said, and it was good, he thought, seeing his uncle laugh), and lightsaber parts, among others. Kylo smiled faintly as he listened to Rey and Finn chatter excitedly about Jedi history, as he turned towards Poe. 

Poe smiled back at him. “You feeling okay?” he said. 

”A little. At least I can...start to get closure.” Kylo sighed. “I wish I'd gone to you.”

”Hey. You’re here now. Where you belong.”

Where he belonged. Stars, Poe had no idea how much Kylo had longed to hear those words.


	6. The Crystal Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets injured at the Crystal Cave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They exited the Enclave just to find the speeders outside. Three of them, actually. Of course, when there were five people. Yeah, five. Himself, Poe, Finn, Rey and Uncle Luke. Finn seemed to voice Kylo’s opinions before Kylo did. 

”How are we all supposed to do this?” Finn said. 

Uncle Luke sighed. “Finn, as cliché as it sounds, when I was your age — ”

Finn seemed to be suppressing a groan. Kylo shot him a look. "This may actually be important,” he said.

Uncle Luke continued. “Anyway, when I was your age, Ben’s mother and I found something that might solve your problem. One sits in front, the other in back.”

”Okay. I think I saw that before, in training simulations,” Finn said. “Sounds like a good idea.”

They boarded the bikes — Luke sitting alone, Finn sitting behind Rey. “Sorry about that, Rey,” Finn said. 

Rey rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Calm down. It’s not like Jakku.”

"You yelled at me for holding your hand,” Finn said.

”You could say I wasn’t used to it,” Rey said. “I was often alone, on Jakku. Plus, I knew the markets like the back of my hand.”

”Right.” Finn said. 

Poe turned to Kylo. “Couple of dorks, aren’t they?” he said.

”We’re not deaf, Poe!” Finn called back. 

”Sorry!” Poe said to Finn. Turning back to Kylo, he said, “So, who gets on first? You get on first? I get on first?"

"I’ll — I’ll steer.” Even looking at Poe, Kylo couldn’t help but feel sick, remembering the intense stare that Poe had pinned him with on Jakku. All that bravery, all that determination. He still had it, even when Kylo was hurting him — no, torturing him. 

There wasn’t any euphemisms for it. He’d tortured Poe. 

Snoke had made him. Threatened them both. But he could have been stronger. Had more of a spine, said no. Broken Poe out of the Finalizer when he got the chance. 

If he had broken out Poe instead of Finn...where would they be?

”Kylo. I’m sorry. Are you okay?” Poe said. 

”We’ll talk about it when we get back. I think.”

Kylo got on first. Poe followed. Kylo felt his heart speed up at Poe being pressed against him, his arms wrapped around his torso. It didn’t mean anything, though. It was just a practical thing. Pragmatic. 

Kylo started up the speeder bike and it sped across the grassland, Poe laughing in delight against Kylo’s back. And Kylo wanted that warmth, more than anything. The feel of Poe pressed against him. He wished it was better times, when he hadn’t made the mistakes he did. When everything was all right. 

They parked at the Crystal Cave, and they both dismounted, Kylo trying not to feel like he’d been burned by Poe's touch. By the feel of him. How long had it been since he’d been touched in a way that wasn’t meant to harm, he wondered. He tried not to think about it. Six years. Six years of deprivation.

”Good thing we have our weapons,” Kylo said to the others. “Just in case.”

They nodded. 

”I’m right behind you, Kylo,” Poe said. "I promise."

***

By the time they had fought off the kinrath (of course there were kinrath, Kylo thought with disgust. Of course), Kylo was already a mess — and Poe was staring at him in amazement.

Finn and Rey were already seeing to the others’ wounds, but Poe said to Kylo, “You...you’re good.”

”It’s muscle memory,” Kylo said. He sheathed his vibroblade, covered in kinrath blood. “Snoke...finished parts of my training. Fine-tuned it.”

He didn’t miss the way that Poe looked, for a moment, pained. How was he even going to tell Poe? And even with the possibility of emotional abuse from Snoke, was the training he went through also physically abusive?

("The strongest must rule if we are to survive.”)

Kylo sighed. “The crystals are probably up ahead.”

More kinrath. Even as Kylo fought them, though, it was like they decided to get smarter, faster. Stings. Even as Kylo cut them down, he still felt their stings cutting into his flesh. He kept fighting. He couldn’t afford to fail —

And then they were down. Kylo felt his head spin, almost like a top, at least before he collapsed. 


	7. Old Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Kylo woke later to see he’d been changed out of his old clothes and given clothes that were almost reminiscent of something his father would wear. He was on the _Hawk,_ in the medbay, and Poe was sitting across from him with shadows under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept well — including how tousled his hair was. 

”Kylo!” Poe said. “You’re awake! Thank the stars.”

Kylo groaned, tried to sit up. “I feel like I got in a fight with a stampeding bantha,” he said. “Kriff, it hurts...”

”I know, Ky, I’m sorry." The way Poe said “Ky” shouldn’t have sounded so beautiful, but here they both were. "We got you to a bacta tank...”

”Did you change my clothes?”

”The med droid did,” Poe said. “He’s looking after Finn and Rey right now.”

”We have our own med droid.”

”Basically,” Poe said. “He actually said...something else while you were out. That there were other scars, and they weren’t kinrath scars.”

”Does it matter?” Kylo said. “People get hurt on missions!”

"I don’t want you to get hurt! I...you’re my friend.”

Kylo frowned. Somehow, he couldn’t help but wonder if Poe was lying. Half-lying, at least. 

”I care about you,” Poe said.

”You’d care about anyone,” Kylo said. 

”Still.” Poe sighed. “Kylo...what the kriff did Snoke do to you?”

”Nothing that wasn’t between a master and his apprentice,” Kylo said. 

”Bantha shit,” Poe said. “What did he do?”

”It was training.” Kylo’s voice shook as he spoke. “Everything he did — it wasn’t abuse. Sith did it to their apprentices generations before; people like Darth Sion got it worse than I did and no one called abuse!”

”Maybe there’s a reason the Sith aren’t considered the desirable route,” Poe said. 

"He just slapped me!”

He swore he’d never seen Poe go more rigid in his life. “What?”

"It was just a slap.” The words sounded labored even as Kylo spoke. “The cuts — I got them during training. When I fought his Praetorian Guards. And maybe he dangled me over some jagged rocks — ”

“You said it was training, not attempted murder.”

”It was training!” Kylo snapped. "He was trying to teach me. How to slow my fall. About fear, and how useful it can be. It paid off, didn’t it?”

Poe just looked so rigid, so heartbroken. “Kriff, Kylo, why didn’t you tell me?” He sounded like his world had fallen apart — again, Kylo thought. 

”Because I deserved it. Every part.” Kylo felt his breathing come in shakily. "You wouldn’t want...anything to do with me if you knew everything I did.”

”I’m here,” Poe insisted. “I made my choice and I’m not gonna leave you.”

Before Kylo could interrupt, the medical droid shuffled into the room. “I am BY-TE. Master Poe called me ‘Byte’; I can only assume it was his attempt at befriending me.” Then, “I sense a lot of hostility and frustration between you too. Is all well?”

”It’s not hostility,” Kylo said. “Poe just cares too much.”

”What’s wrong with that?” Poe said. 

”I see,” Byte said. “I suggest you excuse yourself from the room, Master Poe; I doubt overexertion will help Master Kylo.”

”Point taken.” 

Poe left. Unlike his father, Kylo doubted he was more grateful for a droid’s intervention. 

"How are your wounds?” Byte said. 

”Healing.”

”I see. Between you and me, it’s obvious that Master Poe has a great amount of care for you. You should not discount that.”

”He cares about everyone,” Kylo murmured. “I’m not special in that regard.”

”On the contrary, he said you’re important to him. And while you were recovering, he said that you were strong, brave, and kind, though you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge your virtues.”

”I did awful things. And...Snoke made it clear to me that I was an inferior copy. That the galaxy would have been his faster with...my uncle by his side.”

”Given the First Order's small size and questionable tactics, Snoke may have been vastly exaggerating.”

”Touché.” Now that he thought about it, maybe not all of Kylo’s self-hate was based in reality. Maybe not all of Snoke’s treatment was just based on “training”. After all, injuries were inevitable during training, but what about the more purposeful stuff? The subtler put-downs? Not to mention the context...

And Sith teachings...the Sith were the monsters. Snoke had tried to get Luke to kill his nephew. Wouldn’t the idea of the training being abusive...fit somehow?

”I thought it was normal,” Kylo said. “All of it. Now I don’t know what to do with myself.”

”I suggest,” Byte said, “You rest, Master Kylo. It is the best you can do, considering the circumstances.”

Rest. Kylo doubted he knew, entirely, what that was like.

***

Poe came back, of course, and Kylo told him the truth and apologized. Of course Poe forgave him. Force bless him. And of course Poe was appalled at what Kylo told him. “Stars, Ky — I wish I’d found you earlier. I really do.”

"It’s not your fault.” Kylo could remember how Snoke had made him feel like Poe hated him, along with everyone else. Snoke had lied. “I did miss you.”

”So did I.” Then, “You should probably sleep, Ky. Get better, while you can.” A beat. “I can stay, if you want.”

”I’d like that." When was the last time he’d had company, to try and keep the nightmares away?

Kylo slept, and he could feel Poe’s warmth at the corner of his mind all the while. 


End file.
